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Confessions of a Lovely Lupie #4

Haven't seen one of these in a while huh. Actually I've done plenty, I just haven't published them. I've gone through a tough time for the last month or so. During this time I had doctors visits, ER trips, more meds than I can count, pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, slipped back into a deep depression, and basically was ready to just give it all up. I saved a lot of my writing since it was done in the middle of the night when I was up with just my thoughts. Figured I'd go ahead and not let the words and emotions of at least one of those go to waste....


11/6/18 2:46am I’m up a lot with my thoughts and I rarely think to use this time to journal and that’s one of the main purpose of this blog. It was supposed to be a safe place for me to do just that and others to learn from it. Since it is a journal entry it may end up very different than other posts. I may ramble or get caught up. I’m just letting things out.

I’m having those “what ifs” again. Those “what if this ain’t lupus”. It always comes when it’s time take my meds because I don’t want to take them. I’ll sit there or roam around seriously thinking they could have diagnosed me incorrectly….even though I’ve had lupus labs work ups done so many times I don’t know how there is any blood left in me. But still, people are misdiagnosed all the time. The clots, back pain, fatigue, swelling, catching the flu back to back, that’s nothing. Coincidence.


This day I was in pain and had to smile through it all. But great things came from that night. I still have my moments. Those pills are like my enemy, but they are keeping me here, at least a couple are for sure. I never thought I suffered from seasonal depression but it's a possibility. Whatever it is I'm not able to sit in it, this is bigger than me. I have a purpose and it's to change lives and help others. I would say I can't do that from a bed or a hospital room but I refuse to place a limit on my capabilities. This is STILL just the beginning. I ain't seen nothing yet. I'm about to shock all of us!

*I'm still using Lupa-Vita and love it. Save 30% on your first bottle with my code "toccorra"

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